There Are Times [poem]

There are times, Oh Lord, when I see the dots connect, 

and I feel like a character in a drama written by You. 

The universe and my inmost soul seem in perfect harmony, 

and I hear their music and see their dance. 

I chase these moments of ultimate purpose. 

There are times, Oh Lord, where I feel lost

in a land of confusion and darkness.  

Where my dreams are illusions, and my ideals are lies, 

and my whole existence seems absurd and strange. 

Where my soul would rather retreat into apathy, 

than live in this world of nihilistic madness.  

In these moments of confronting the void,         

I always try to look hard for a light, 

and if I cannot find one, I make one. 

There are times, Great God, when I feel ALIVE!

My whole body-mind-spirit bursts with vitality

and I unleash actions upon actions on the world

and cannot do anything else because my whole self

is immersed in this world of doing and becoming and 

PERCEPTION!

But then there are times, Great God, where I merely exist.

I feel as though I am two: I am an observer and the observed…

and of these two, I am mostly the latter. 

I cannot act because I am paralyzed by contemplation, 

and I feel not in the world but above or beyond it..

as though I am a neutral and passive observer of events,

and have never been anything else. 

My senses are too blurred by endless self-reflection, 

and I cannot do anything other than 

Think...

There are times when I feel plugged into other people,

their thoughts, their perceptions, their actions, their spirit... 

and together we create a whole other reality. 

A bigger world than what either of us could do alone.

And then there are times when I feel truly isolated

and an immeasurable gap separates everyone from me. 

And the space in-between that gap

and whatever goes on the other side of it

is just

alien 

to me. 

There are times, Beloved God, 

when my soul feels like a battlefield:

Righteous Reason Versus Sensuous Passion

Burning Ambition Versus Cold Lethargy

Black-Hole Selfishness Versus Overflowing Compassion

Mental Quiescence Versus Mental Activity

My Ideals Versus My Reality

My Actual, Present Self Versus My Imagined, Future Self.

As though life is

nothing other than this constant conflict. 

Worse, Beloved God, there are times

I am not even sure which side 

should win - or 

even is winning! 

Moments like these, My God, are waves

that arise and dissolve in my ocean of consciousness,

and their arising, dissolving, being -

is all a great mystery to me.

I am just a student,

I am just a child.