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THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF MATTHEW
Part III: The Nihilist’s World?
You are pathetic.
Who said it? I don’t remember.
Was it even said, or just implied?
Was the accuser another or myself?
Did it happen in reality or my imagination?
Either way, the words impacted.
*****
Half-consciously I float in a never-ending abyss for what feels like aeons. Sometimes thoughts will bubble forth from my barely existing mind. Thoughts like: Is this the nothingness that I wished for earlier? The place that the unremembered scenes of a dream go to?
Or thoughts like this: Ah, I cannot stand or walk or fly. I cannot hear, see, touch, smell anything. I cannot speak. I can barely conceive of who I am or where I am or what I am. But there is still a nascent sense of “I am”, still a lingering sense of existence. So it can’t be the nihilism that some half-remembered entity wished for who knows how many ages ago…
The clearest thought, though still only half-formed, that ever happened in those ages was this: I wish that the lingering existence that I remain as would just evaporate and I could become exactly like that which I see around me and feel within: Impersonal and non-conscious nothingness. Right now I feel like fake nothingness - that is, I’m still technically a thing. What I want is pure and complete nihility. Somewhere in my barely-conscious state I am beginning to think that I may never reach pure self-annihilation, and that thought fills me with anguish. I want to scream but I do not have a voice. I want to ignore my pain but I am already ignoring existence as much as it is possible for it to be ignored, and that makes me weep, and then I try to ignore my weeping.
I was like this for what felt like untold numbers of days, until one day my time drifting in that nihilistic void was interrupted.
I heard the sound of an alarm clock ringing. It causes the lifetime of a being named Matthew to come back into remembrance… but who is this Matthew? This alarm clock ringing is the first noise I have heard for who knows how long, so it sounds like the most rapturous music I have ever heard.
Finally I begin to see a body in a bed. The bed looks familiar, and so does the body. This is the first sight I have seen in who knows how long, so it makes my eyes ecstatic. I see two older people, one male and one female, trying to shake the boy in the bed awake. They are crying, “Matthew! Matthew! Wake up! You're late for work!”.
The female starts to ask the male what he thinks is wrong with him. They both look extremely worried. “If he was just asleep, he would have woken up by now” “You’re right honey.. oh no!” The female shoots out of the room, and the male sits on the bed, still trying to budge his son awake.
The female returns and says, “Some of my sleeping pills are missing. He must have taken a bunch of them! Sweetie, he isn’t just sleeping, he’s knocked out!”. I can piece together that the older female is the mother to the boy and likewise the older male is the father to the boy.
I stare at this scene for a while as memories keep flooding in. Finally enough memories come back for my consciousness to vaguely cognize what is happening.
That’s me in the bed, or some kind of identity that I’ve put on. That’s my parents trying to wake me up.
My mother starts to cry. I see her hug my body in the bed. “Matt! We love you! Please wake up!”
I feel a sense of identification with that body. I feel a sense of warmth as my mother hugs it. This warmth, a mother’s hug. I have never felt anything safer or softer. I feel like a little baby. Then my father comes over and puts my hands in his strong grip. He starts to tear up too. They are both afraid of loosing their boy. His grip feels safe and strong. How could any harm ever come to me with these beautiful giants looking after me?
I hear them say I love you. For the first time in who knows how long I feel an emotion. It feels familiar and brand new at the same time.
*****
Love is a dancing star in my chest,
Singing: “Out of many, you are the best!”
Love is a light peeking through the Abyss,
revealing that in this world there can be bliss.
Oh, how this feeling awakens my dormant soul,
enticing it’s timeless longing to be part of a whole!
*****
This feeling makes me feel more and more alive. I begin to feel a body form around my nascent sense of “I am”. I feel arms, legs, eyes, ears, a tongue, a face. Finally I begin to remember who I am. I am Matthew. But where am I? The last thing I remember… I… I was eaten alive. Does that explain where I am? Is this Death?
I connect the feeling of love my parents pour out on me to the love I have felt in the past. I remember playing in the schoolyard as a kid. I remember being connected to a group of fellow human beings and thinking how awesome they are, and wanting to put a smile on their faces and feeling great when I did. I feel loved. I feel like I want to love others in return and for its own sake.
A radiant golden light comes off of my etheric body. Why do I hate myself? How can I justify that when so many people love me? If they can love me, why can’t I?
That last thought makes my entire body burst with a divine, transcendental light.
*****
I love you!
A friend said it in a time of distress.
The words had the tune of sincerity.
They were as medicine to me then.
It is a memory for which I am grateful.
Best of all, the words uplifted.
*****
As I dwell in the divine light that surrounds me I feel happy and glad to be alive. Why would I ever want to be nothing when there is so much to live for, so many things to experience? A nothing could never feel loved. It could never know a mother’s kiss and father’s hug, or the fun of friends, or the joy of simply being.
A nothing could never be experiencing this moment. Only a something could do that. I love this amazing moment of floating in a void and feeling divine. If we love one moment, do we not then love all of existence? Nothing is self-sufficient, not us and not moments. In order for this incredible moment to arise all other moments previous to this one - even the moments of self-pity and self-hate - had to happen to. All of eternity had to happen for this one happy moment to happen - so is not all of existence then in some way good, if it could lead to this? Why would I ever want to be nothing? What an absurd thought!
A door appears in front of me. I don’t know where it leads but I know I must go through it. I back up and start to fly out of the door.
As soon as I exit the door I am flying out of the Daemon of Hatred’s mouth.
“What? Impossible. I ate you alive. You are dead!” the Daemon of Hatred is appalled at seeing me fly out of his own mouth and bathed in a divine light.
The rays of divine light coming off of me completely drown out the shadows coming off of the reptilian Daemon monster. He yells: “So you have come back for another beating, have you? Shall I devour you a second time?!”
I visualize the love I have for my family and friends, and the love they have for me, becoming two katanas in my hands - Storge and Philia. I descend on to the ground, ready to fight.
The Daemon roars, and I remain silent. It runs towards me to slash at me with one of his deadly claws. I wait for him to come near me so I can time my strike just so. As his claws are seconds away from hitting me I swiftly strike them with my katana blades, shattering his claws. The Daemon yells in pain and bewilderment. He did not think I would be able to hurt him. He sends his other clawed hand swooping down on me and I jump up to avoid it and slash the Daemon of Hatred in the face.
When he recovers from the blow and I land back on the ground he exclaims, “This is impossible! Where are you getting all of this power from?!”
“I get it from my mother and father, from my friends who are like sisters and brothers! I have grown beyond the person I was before! You have no power over me now! Against these blades of love, you are nothing but a paper tiger!”
The Master-Daemon lets out a primal roar. I charge at him when I am near enough he punches the cavern ground with his fists, shattering the floor and sending me flying up to the air. He leaps up and catches me in his jaws.
His stalactite-like teeth pierce through my etheric skin and I bleed luminous blood. Having caught a hold of his prey he shakes me around like a dog and his chew-toy. I regain enough strength in the middle of all this torment to repeatedly stab him in the face with my two katana blades that are still in my hands.
We fight like this - the Daemon trying to tighten his jaws to finish me off, me frantically stabbing him with the last bits of determination I have left - until finally one of us yields. The shadowy reptilian giant falls over and evaporates into nothingness as I land back on the ground.
My wounds drip with glowing blood. I turn back to exit the cave very slowly, but the cave begins to disappear stone by stone and I am left floating in a white void.
I’m not afraid. This seems like a very peaceful place. But I am eager to wake up so my parents know I am safe.
From behind an all-too-familiar strobe light emerges. I turn around and it is the radiant flying tentacle from before. I prime my swords but the tentacle does not look like it wants to fight.
Instead I see more tentacles begin to appear around it, and then a bald man with beautiful angelic wings appears around those tentacles.
“You have come a long way, Matthew” the angel who is tentacles from the waist down tells me. His voice sounds unbelievably empathic. He wraps my bleeding body around in his glowing tentacles and a healing energy pours out of them, closing my wounds and filing me with renewed energy and peace.
He unwraps his healing tentacles around my body and begins to speak. “There is much I have to tell you. I am the one who put you through these trials today. Matthew, you are a gifted dreamer. But you must understand that the dream world is powerful. You came in here today wishing that you could stay in here forever, and it was very possible that that dream could have come true. I came in and interrupted your thought process in order to stop that thought from becoming manifest. When you wished to become nothing that too could have become manifest, and when you become nothing you could not come back. But it was not enough for me to interrupt your thought process, I had to make sure you would not come into the astral plane and think those thoughts again by making you realize that life is good and worth living, and that too many people care about you for you to be stuck here in the dream world all day or become nothing. So I orchestrated all of this. I made you fight those creatures so you could overcome the negative feelings of self-pity and self-hate, and I knew that your parents would come rushing in with concern and helped you to see that.”
That was a lot to take in, but it makes as much sense as anything else that has happened to me recently.
“And what are you exactly?”
“I am a denizen of the astral plane, or as you call it, the dream world. We exist on a deeper layer of the astral plane than what you humans can reach in your dreams, though every now and again some of you can manage to reach it. You probably think I am a fascinating creature, but what about you? Ah, humans are the most fascinating creature of all! Part animal and part astral. You are all of you living paradoxes. If it weren’t for your kind we Aengels would be terribly bored”
“I have so many questions for you, first-“
“Stop” he interrupted me “You are an 18-year old human boy. You have enough on your plate without having to worry about Aengels or the Astral Plane. Next time you come to the Astral Plane, and I hope you do, please be more responsible.”
I could feel this white void vanishing, and my awareness exiting my etheric form. From now on I will balance my dreaming life and my “real” life. I couldn’t wait to feel my soft skin and my veins that pulse with vitality. I couldn’t wait to see my mom and dad and let them know everything is okay. I couldn’t wait to see my friends and maybe even make some new ones. I couldn’t wait to live my life in the “real”, solid world.
*****
I'm becoming a day dreamer and a night contemplater,
I'm becoming a morning zombie and a night mystic,
a part-time philosopher, part-time poet, part-time mystic,
and full-time spacey-outey weirdo.
I kinda like it.
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THE END
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